That Part of Me I Hate

Well, after a good six month or so break from blog writing-I am back blog world. I have decided that is is time I recommit to sorting out my thoughts via the internet and let you all in on the thought life of Jenna Lee (A rather scary place, I might add).

I am currently sitting on a plane (as I write this) next to a sweet girl named Ellie who is fifteen years old, beautiful, from Portland, and visiting family in Orange County. She is a very gentle natured girl with an old soul. I can tell that she has been through a lot in her life. I don’t know what it is, but I know that what she has been through has formed in her tough skin and a good bout of wisdom. She is special and unique and I know the Lord has awesome plans for her life.

Our plane just broke through the clouds and we are now in the beautiful, mystic  higher-than-this-world type of place. Overall, it’s been a good day so far, but certainly one of those days where my thoughts seem to never end. The kind of day where you just want to press an “Off” button on your mind and call it good. The kind of day you just want to escape from yourself for a moment or too and come back when your mind is free from it’s excessive thinking. Considering the fact that I currently cannot sleep, do not drink, do not do drugs, and live for Jesus the only option for me is to think, sit, pray, and most importantly, surrender.

I’m scared.

This is not something that’s easy for me to admit. I usually think of myself as being strong, sassy, and fearless. I have Jesus on my side, why do I need to worry? What do I have to fear? In reality, though, there’s a side to me that is constantly griped with fear, anxiety, worry, confusion, loneliness, pain, and brokenness, There is a part of me that is not in constant surrender to Jesus. There is a part of me that doubts that the way that I’m living is really what is right and true.

I hate that part of me. I really do. I wish I could rid myself of it forever. That part of me seems to bring itself out at the most inconvenient of times.

That part of me is scared of what this summer holds. Will I be able to find a job? Will friends have changed from being away at school? Will my parents and I fight as we struggle with the tension of me being an adult/kid? Will I fall into temptation being around friends that aren’t good influences?  

That part of me that is scared of what the future holds. Will I become a leader in the social world? An advocate for the poor? A voice for those enslaved in sex trafficking? Or should I changemy schooling  and go to the original Bible college which I had wanted to go to in the first place? My desire is truly to know the Bible in and out. Will I grow up to be a wife and stay at home mom? Is one of these right? One of these options better?

That part of me that is scared about finances. Will my parents be able to afford my schooling? Will I be able to save enough for a car, books, expenses? Will I be content with this?

That part of me that is scared about a relationship in my life that is turning into something more. Is this of you Lord? How can I keep pure thoughts when my past is stained with impurity, promiscuity, and immorality? How can I get over the fear in my heart from the scars of my past relationship? Is this of the King?

Lord what the heck is your will? What is your way?

And then when I can’t take it anymore, so I yell inside my head, YHWH, Elohim, grant me Shalom. And just like that….

Silence. Stillness. Peace washes over my like a flood and I am once again at rest within my soul. The thoughts are not entirely gone, but somehow everything in the world is just right again.

The Lord then proceeds to draw me close and whisper to me in His sweet way, “Jenna, give all of you to me everyday, forever and that is enough. You don’t need to worry.”

-God, I am an idiot. I really don’t know why You choose to love me-

I am reminded that no matter what, Dad is in control. He knows what He’s doing. We don’t have to worry, fret, or fear. All we need to do is surrender and stay faithful to our King. He will work everything together for our good.

Wow, that’s really good. Like really, really, chocolate chip waffle with ice cream on top good.

Most the time, nothing in life truly makes sense to me except being in the arms of the Lord and surrendering all I am for unto Him. I know this, but I so often forget it. When troubling/stressful thoughts come my way I usually try to fight them on my own. I think that battle is mine. I put up a measly fight and lose 99.9% of the time. This is wrong. There is a greater way, a greater response, and a greater promise. A promise that when we turn to Him first when dealing with overwhelming thoughts/worry that He will bring peace, He will bring Shalom. When we trust Him with all of our heart and lean not on OUR understanding, He will direct our paths. (Proverbs 3v5-6)

Though I do not know what the future holds, I can be confident in the fact that Dad is in control and He will continue the good work He has started in me. He is faithful, His is true, and His promise is one that we can stand upon both now and forever.

I will choose to stand upon this promise and hold fast to the guarantee that He is always with me. I will choose to respond in a different way when worry starts to swallow me up. I will choose to live passionately, purely, holy, and confidently by the presence of the Holy Spirit living within me.

We are in good Hands.

For You, I sing, I dance. I rejoice in this divine romance.