Sacrifice

A little world. A lot of meaning.

Starting Monday of this week, I've felt broken over the fact that I feel I have become numb to what Jesus sacrifice truly meant. I grew up in a Christian home and though I walked away from Jesus and came back a couple of years lately, Jesus birth, death, and resurrection have become such common knowledge to me. I desire to be dazzled, unceasingly grateful, and in awe of my King's sacrifice, but instead I find myself somewhat absent minded and mildly thankful about all of this.

I hate this so much.

So, as I mentioned, I have been talking with Dad and just praying, "LORD show me what it means to sacrifice. Show me what Christ's sacrifice was truly like." I attended a 4pm Good Friday service at Rock Harbor tonight and it was an amazing time of worship and reflection on Jesus and the cross, but I felt the same thoughts and prayers crossing my mind that had been all week. UGHHHHHH why LORD? Deepen the meaning of the cross in my life this Easter time.

Well, God is faithful. Always.

So freaking faithful. So I'm going to be straight up. As most people know, I'm a big fan of honesty. I think Jesus is too. For a couple of years in high school, I did not walk with the LORD. I had a great deal of sin in my life and was super self centered and obsessed with feeding my flesh. I am still self centered and often stumble, but these days I live my life trying to please Jesus every single day. So good, so hard, so worth it.

All this to say, I used to smoke cigarettes for a period of time. I enjoyed it greatly. What started as a very much a social, try to be cool type of thing, quickly turned to more of habit. When I came back to Jesus, I felt compelled to quite. I gave my last couple of packs to friends and quite. It's been a couple years since then.

Well, the past couple of months I've been like ughhhhhhhhhhh I want to smoke a cigarette. I know I shouldn't. I mean, of course it's not the end of the world, hugest thing if I do, but still. Is it glorifying to Jesus? Will it edify others? Will is further the Kingdom? No, no, and no. Today I was rocked by how much I felt the desire to smoke. As John Mark Comer once said,

"Our deepest desires (if we are saved) are godly, but our strongest desires are usually fleshly."

I felt the flesh eating at me. I knew/know that smoking won't do any good but feed my flesh but I still really wanted to. I knew smoking would break the contract I'm under for the school I attend, but I began to not care. My flesh was getting the best of me as it often does. I started to justify in my mind, "Ok, I'll just buy one pack, smoke it, and be done." SO STUPPPPIIIDDDDD

And then it hit me. One of those moments that you just go, "Oh shoot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The Spirit spoke to me and said, "Jenna, Christ gave up His life for you. He gave up His desires, His freedoms, His everything for you. You can give up this for Him."

Shoot, I have no room to even talk. It all made sense. God, I am so unworthy of You and super ashamed half the time that you love me. Though, in reality, this is such a small sacrifice and not even a little bit comparable to what Christ did for me, the Spirit used this to show me sacrifice. He used this to show me what it meant to give up my life and my desires. If Christ could give up His life, I could certainly give up my silly smoking.

What the heck. I'm so blown away and just left so speechless at how good and faithful Jesus is. I prayed that He might show me sacrifice and He did. Just like that, He did.

This Easter, I pray that He reveals to each one of you that reads this just what it means to sacrifice. I challenge you to think about your life. The sin, temptation, and fleshly desires you struggle with. First off, Jesus gave up His life so that all of that could be forgiven and free forever (!!!) and second of all, these personal sins, temptations, and desires are so minor when we realize His sacrifice and the greatness of knowing Him!!!!!!!!!!!

(Sweet Madison and I today before service)

May we live lives of sacrifice for Jesus each day until we meet Him face to face. Give it all up.

That Part of Me I Hate

Well, after a good six month or so break from blog writing-I am back blog world. I have decided that is is time I recommit to sorting out my thoughts via the internet and let you all in on the thought life of Jenna Lee (A rather scary place, I might add).

I am currently sitting on a plane (as I write this) next to a sweet girl named Ellie who is fifteen years old, beautiful, from Portland, and visiting family in Orange County. She is a very gentle natured girl with an old soul. I can tell that she has been through a lot in her life. I don’t know what it is, but I know that what she has been through has formed in her tough skin and a good bout of wisdom. She is special and unique and I know the Lord has awesome plans for her life.

Our plane just broke through the clouds and we are now in the beautiful, mystic  higher-than-this-world type of place. Overall, it’s been a good day so far, but certainly one of those days where my thoughts seem to never end. The kind of day where you just want to press an “Off” button on your mind and call it good. The kind of day you just want to escape from yourself for a moment or too and come back when your mind is free from it’s excessive thinking. Considering the fact that I currently cannot sleep, do not drink, do not do drugs, and live for Jesus the only option for me is to think, sit, pray, and most importantly, surrender.

I’m scared.

This is not something that’s easy for me to admit. I usually think of myself as being strong, sassy, and fearless. I have Jesus on my side, why do I need to worry? What do I have to fear? In reality, though, there’s a side to me that is constantly griped with fear, anxiety, worry, confusion, loneliness, pain, and brokenness, There is a part of me that is not in constant surrender to Jesus. There is a part of me that doubts that the way that I’m living is really what is right and true.

I hate that part of me. I really do. I wish I could rid myself of it forever. That part of me seems to bring itself out at the most inconvenient of times.

That part of me is scared of what this summer holds. Will I be able to find a job? Will friends have changed from being away at school? Will my parents and I fight as we struggle with the tension of me being an adult/kid? Will I fall into temptation being around friends that aren’t good influences?  

That part of me that is scared of what the future holds. Will I become a leader in the social world? An advocate for the poor? A voice for those enslaved in sex trafficking? Or should I changemy schooling  and go to the original Bible college which I had wanted to go to in the first place? My desire is truly to know the Bible in and out. Will I grow up to be a wife and stay at home mom? Is one of these right? One of these options better?

That part of me that is scared about finances. Will my parents be able to afford my schooling? Will I be able to save enough for a car, books, expenses? Will I be content with this?

That part of me that is scared about a relationship in my life that is turning into something more. Is this of you Lord? How can I keep pure thoughts when my past is stained with impurity, promiscuity, and immorality? How can I get over the fear in my heart from the scars of my past relationship? Is this of the King?

Lord what the heck is your will? What is your way?

And then when I can’t take it anymore, so I yell inside my head, YHWH, Elohim, grant me Shalom. And just like that….

Silence. Stillness. Peace washes over my like a flood and I am once again at rest within my soul. The thoughts are not entirely gone, but somehow everything in the world is just right again.

The Lord then proceeds to draw me close and whisper to me in His sweet way, “Jenna, give all of you to me everyday, forever and that is enough. You don’t need to worry.”

-God, I am an idiot. I really don’t know why You choose to love me-

I am reminded that no matter what, Dad is in control. He knows what He’s doing. We don’t have to worry, fret, or fear. All we need to do is surrender and stay faithful to our King. He will work everything together for our good.

Wow, that’s really good. Like really, really, chocolate chip waffle with ice cream on top good.

Most the time, nothing in life truly makes sense to me except being in the arms of the Lord and surrendering all I am for unto Him. I know this, but I so often forget it. When troubling/stressful thoughts come my way I usually try to fight them on my own. I think that battle is mine. I put up a measly fight and lose 99.9% of the time. This is wrong. There is a greater way, a greater response, and a greater promise. A promise that when we turn to Him first when dealing with overwhelming thoughts/worry that He will bring peace, He will bring Shalom. When we trust Him with all of our heart and lean not on OUR understanding, He will direct our paths. (Proverbs 3v5-6)

Though I do not know what the future holds, I can be confident in the fact that Dad is in control and He will continue the good work He has started in me. He is faithful, His is true, and His promise is one that we can stand upon both now and forever.

I will choose to stand upon this promise and hold fast to the guarantee that He is always with me. I will choose to respond in a different way when worry starts to swallow me up. I will choose to live passionately, purely, holy, and confidently by the presence of the Holy Spirit living within me.

We are in good Hands.

For You, I sing, I dance. I rejoice in this divine romance.

Nothing Compares

    Life has been so busy lately-but so good I might mention, I feel super blessed-and I haven't written in a while!!!!! It feels good to be back with my trusty lil MB Pro, spilling out my thoughts, dreams, desires, ya know the drill. So, for anyone who cares, a quick update on life!
     I am all moved down to my new home in Costa Mesa, CA and absolutely love it here!!! Praise be to God! I am so ready for all He has in store for down here. The beach is a short drive (or a medium bike ride-I got a barbie beach cruiser bike but that's another story..), the sun is always shining, the school I'm attending is wonderful, and I've visited some great churches. Not to mention, the past week and a half have been full of cultivating new relationships and it's been so good. I love people, people watching, and interacting with all sorts of people so it's been a good time meeting so many new faces that all have different stories and backgrounds. I am attending an incredible God-centered school called Vanguard University. I am living in the freshman dorms, on the 7th floor. Lots and lots of steps everyday....let me tell ya! My declared major is Sociology, but it may change to Religion/Biblical studies. I don't feel like the LORD has called me to a specific career yet (besides being the best wifey and mommy I can be someday!!!....), but I am open for whatever He has in store!!!! I'm taking 6 classes and they are good, but so much dang reading!!!! I really, truly already have such a deep love in my heart for Vanguard for a few different reasons. 1. I feel like this school is where God wants me right now. 2. Students and staff alike truly love Jesus (for the most part). Jesus is glorified here like crazy. 3. Chapels are SO good! 4. I think there's something like 260+ palm trees on campus..:) SO GOOD!!!!!!!!!!! Right now, besides really focusing on Jesus and new relationships I'm trying to figure out how to get back into the swing of school. I love school and enjoy learning, but ya know how it is...the first couple weeks of the year can be rough! Oh and before I move on, I must say my dorm room looks ADORABLE :) Maybe I'll post pics later. I have such a sweet roommate named Leila, who is from Oregon as well. :) 


     NOW, on to the stuff that really matters!!!!!!! K, so as I mentioned, the chapels here are awesome. Tonight I went to a student led worship that's led every Wednesday night called Shine. The first song we sang was a classic: Shout to the LORD! This song always reminds me of my daddy and the 90s. My dad has his classes workout routine that he's done for over twenty years (he's a man of habit, ya know what I mean?) and when I was young I used to go in our bonus room and watch him work out. He'd blare his great 90s gospel/worship cds from our old LD/CD player and one that played often was Shout to the LORD! Good times..good times..Anyways, back to the story, so as we were singing the song my thoughts quickly switched from good times with my daddy, to the goodness of our Daddy. The line that struck me was:

"Nothing compares to the promise we have in You."

Now, that's bold. If you honest to goodness truly believe that statement, it will change your life. Blog reader, I don't know who you are. I don't know if you're a friend or a foe (hopefully not the latter....), but I want you to know that there is nothing in this world that compares to the love of Jesus Christ and the promise of spending eternity with Him on the new heaven and the new earth!!!! I don't care where you have been, or what you have done. A boyfriend, a girlfriend, success in your career, more money, more popularity, going to all the parties, getting drunk, shooting up, sleeping with whoever, serving yourself, none of this will get you anywhere. No where at all. In fact, the "happiness" that you get from these things will wear off. You will be left broken, hurt, and alone. These things here on earth are meaningless and take us no where except to a place of brokeness and confusion. I'm here to tell you tonight that JESUS CHRIST IS THE ANSWER. He went to die on a tree for your sins so that you could live in eternity with Him. Once we commit our lives to Him, it's a promise that we'll spend forever, in all glory, with our beautiful Creator, Savior, Lover, and LORD. Sounds too good to be true, but it's just the gospel message. We deserved to die, but He died for us. That's the beauty of grace. I encourage you, if you have been caught up in anything of the world to make a bold decision right now to leave it behind. It will take you nowhere. Give your life to Jesus. Surrender it all and live for eternity. It's not just good or great, it's what we were created for!

"But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, and by His scourging we are healed."

Isaiah 53v5 

 

Reflections, Random Thoughts, and a Perfect Jesus

    I've got a stirring within my soul tonight that cannot be stilled. A stirring that will burn deep within and continue to burn until the coming of our Jesus Christ....A stirring that burns even deeper in the moments where I feel the Spirit moving and see Jesus in my brothers and sisters face..A stirring that cannot be quenched until every hurting, sick, lame, and lost is brought into the Kingdom...If you are a believer in the precious LORD and are walking with Him then you know what I am talking about....
     I want you, dearly beloved reader, to take a step back and reflect on the amazing things that God has done in both your life and others lives around you, and things you've seen God do in your city, state, nation, and world......Ponder, meditate, dwell, soak in, all of the above...in fact, take a minute, or two,  and quickly jot down 10 awesome things you've seen God do. They can be anything, just whatever comes to you first.........Write, write away...Jot down 100 things if you'd like....Done, yet? K well I'm moving on with this blog entry so finish up. Now, look over your list. WOW, we serve an AWESOME GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is worthy of all our praise (and of course, an excessive amount of exclamation points...)! Can you agree? So, point of this being that however old you are, you've seen God do some pretty amazing things. I'm 18 years old. I rededicated my life to Christ a couple weeks before I turned 17 and since the day I stated, "LORD, my life is Yours, take and use me." He has been so faithful to use me and has opened my eyes to appreciate, marvel at, and be inspired by all He does, the way He moves, and how He reveals Himself to us.
     In a year and a half, He took me, broke me, molded me, and sent me to Uganda with a group of 25 other amazing team members. He called, we responded, and we were in Africa this summer serving Him. Praise be to His name alone! In the past year, He put a call on my church, Solid Rock, to plant a church and spread some salt in the city, if ya know what I'm saying. Now, we meet every Saturday night, downtown Portland, at 6 and 8 pm and are seeing people being broken down and pushed back into Jesus. PTL!!!!!! In the past 6 months, my family, my father specifically, was going through some very rough things that we could have never expected. It was really a time of struggle and a battle within my father and Praise be to the LORD Jesus Christ that the victory was already won when He paid the price on the cross. I can say today that my daddy is so far in the process of healing and only because of the strength, love and unending forgiveness of the LORD and prayers from the body of believers. This past week, or 10 days, the LORD used a group of high school kids and some young leaders to love on some handicapped orphans in Mexico. The LORD placed a called on the heart and these high schoolers and leaders choose to use 10 days of their summer pouring themselves out to be a blessing to these children and adults.
     I just have to say that......

God is on the move.

and how incredible it is! All that I have observed in the past year and a half/two years of my life since I rededicated my life to Christ has been absolutely more than incredible. God moves and uses the weak to lead the strong, the poor to lead the rich. He uses us wherever we are at. We, by no means, need to be perfect, or have it all together. All we truly need to be is willing, eager, and attentive to His call upon our lives. Listen, this is the good stuff and what I was slapped in the face with this weekend at church, The same Spirit that raised Christ from the DEAD is alive and present in us. To work through us. Can I please get an amen? If in only a year and a half/two years I have observed God do an insane amount of awesome things, I can't even begin to imagine what the future holds! All I can say is, LORD, I'm so ready for it...:)  Use me, mold me, take me, break me, create in me a willing and eager spirit to do your will. Take me out of my comfort zone for Your glory alone.

We serve an incredible God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Living, Learning, and Appreciating

     Life is full of situations, choices, and responses. Each day we live, we are faced with the good, the bad, the great, the awkward, and sometimes the just plain ugly in life. We often times cannot choose the situations that occur in our lives, but we do have the choice to choose how we respond to them. Each day we can choose to stand for love, rather than hate. Each day we can choose to stand for positivity, rather than pessimism. Each day we can choose to stand for forgiveness, rather than vengeance.  Each day we can choose faithfulness, rather than infidelity.

Each day we can choose the way of Jesus, rather than the way of the world.

It's so cool that each day we have the power to make a difference because of Christ living in us.  God is good, amen? Amen.

     Today, I want to highlight two things I appreciate. The first being my sisters in Christ. I am so encouraged, blessed, strengthened, comforted, lifted up, convicted, all of the above and more by you guys. If you're my sister and reading this just know I love you so deeply and am so blessed Christ placed you in my life! Today I met with a sister for coffee and was so encouraged by the advice she gave me and just her walk with the LORD. She reminded me of something that I have been reflecting on all day. She reminded me of when John Mark said in a teaching......

"Good is the enemy of best."

So interesting to think about and such a true statement. Often times, we have something, someone, or an opportunity in our lives that seems so good and so right that we just take it, go for it, etc. Sometimes, we (definitely including me) take, receive, do things out of God's timing. To us the timing seems good and right, but what we don't realize is that God sometimes wants us to wait. Sometimes we need to take time to prepare our heart for a relationship so that we will be perfect for our future spouse. Sometimes we need to let a certain job opportunity go by because God has a better one in store. Sometimes we need to wait to purchase a house because God really wants us to move in 6 months across the country. God is good and His timing is the BEST. Something God has been teaching me is to absolutely wait on Him, trust in His timing, and be confident that His way is always the best!

     Second thing I appreciate is GUNNER!!!!!!!!!! I am watching Tony's sweet, sweet little beagle for the weekend and it is just great. This dog is a little love bug and is a joy to watch. He doesn't even know what's in store for him tomorrow....a trip to the beach! So excited!

Anyway, I should go read a bit and get ready for beach...leaving Jenna's tomorrow round 9 am for the beach..thinking and praying for the mission teams that are in Mexico and Zimbabwe currently! Keep these guys in your prays! Can't wait to hear all about the trips...sleep well world...Remember, Jesus Christ is faithful and His timing is always BEST!

 

  

2 Things I appreciate and 1 Thing I'm Learning

     First, I will most certainly share the one thing I have been learning over the past couple days because it is 1) About Jesus, who always comes first and 2) Very relevant to all walking the Christian walk.  The topic that the LORD has just been pressing on my heart and slapping me in the face with is trust, and my lack of trust in Him. Yesterday I read the classic, but so terribly powerful verse in Proverbs 3v5-6-

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

Over the past year, a series of events have went on in my life and my families lives that have really tested our faith and trust in God.  Even over the past week something went on that just left me stumped, for lack of a better word.  One of the many incredible things about having a relationship with Jesus Christ is that we can and are called to fully put our faith in Him and trust in His perfect plan.  Situations and relationships often times do not turn out the way we want or expect them to. In our lives, we are hit with a hurricane of events that we do not understand or see anything positive resulting from.  The one thing I've just so been learning though, is that God always has a perfect plan. He is always working out situations for our greater good; He knows what's best for us.  We can have full 100% trust in Him, that He is watching over us and if we acknowledge Him in our lives, He will direct our paths.  

What would 100% trust in Christ truly look like?

So often, we like having control over situations and relationships, but what we forget is that once we surrender control to the LORD, He will work everything out for our good, as His dearly loved children. How cool is that?! True Love doesn't get any better folks, I'm telling ya.....God is SO good...




     Now, time for me to ramble on to my next topic of appreciation. There are so many, many different people, places, traits, ideas, and items that I appreciate in life, and I feel the need to highlight certain ones I am thankful for day by day.  Today I am very appreciative of my wonderful art teacher, Mrs. Stamm, and perfume.
     Mrs. Stamm is one of a kind. She is absolutely in love with the LORD and hands down one of the most godly woman I know. I was blessed to have her for two years in high school and so blessed when she called to invite me over to her house for breakfast today. School takes a long time, especially if you're going to get your Masters, Doctorate, etc. Throughout our years and time in school we have all sorts of teachers. There are the teachers who careless about you exceling in school and mostly just mistook their true calling for the call of teaching and those are the teachers that are often times boring. There are also the teachers who are very strict and never in a great mood. You don't know why this is, but you often feel sorry for them and wish that bringing them a shiny apple would brighten there day, week, year, etc. Then there are the teachers who treat you like a baby, the substitutes, the homework-givers, the list could go on and on. Most importantly there are the teachers who are passionate and love what they do. These are the teachers that believe in you and inspire you to be the best you can be in life. I believe each individual comes in contant with one, two, maybe three, if your lucky, of these teachers during their years of schooling.  Mrs. Stamm is certainly one of these types of teachers. I was blessed to be in a Christian school pre-12th grade and have all sorts of wonderful, God-fearing teachers, but Mrs. Stamm has certainly stood out. She radiates Christ in all she does and truly appreciates all you have to say and thinks every painting, charcoal, colored pencil, etc. you do is just absolutely amazing. I have been so blessed by her and look up to her so much. Anyway, so this morning I was so blessed to go to her sweet home and eat breakfast with her and Kelsey and shares pictures and memories from my Uganda trip. The fact that she cared so much to hear about all that the LORD's doing over there was great. Great time of just fellowship and banana pancakes.  Delicious. Next Tuesday, or Wednesday, I will be headed over there again for a cooking lesson. This should be exciting.....

    Lastly, I appreciate perfume. Everyone has a certain smell and each individual has certain scents that remind them of certain people and certain times in their lives.  Perfumes, colognes, and scents, in general, all tell wonderful stories. You know how your house smells, how your kitty cat smells, how your best friend smells, and all these smells are just comforting.  Shampoo, detergent, perfume, cologne, lotion, and deodorant, of lack there of (hehe), make up a typical American individual's scent. It just feels nice to smell good. After lunch with my grandparents today-which was just wonderful, I might add-I went in to the Rack and picked up my favorite Betsey Johnson Eau de Parfum. It's such a blend of fruits, musks, and woods, I love it.  Silly as it may sound, I think a nice perfume and a dainty dress make any girl feel pretty and like a princess.


  Now, back to reality, got to go do some cleaning for the campout tonight with my brothers and sisters from my Senior class...so excited...remember, most importantly-TRUST GOD-He cares for you beautiful child more than you could even begin to imagine...

 

Clear Skies and Country Roads

     So, I am starting my first blog. There isn't much rhyme or reason as to why now, but I feel a desire to share the little parts of life and glorify my Beautiful King by doing so.

     I work at a little diner out in the country called the Cruise In Country Diner.  We are a small establishment, located near a small intersection. We serve mostly organic and local food and make mad milkshakes if ya know what I mean.  We have many wonderful older folks that come in weekly and order their usual, but their are also a large amount of families with lovely babies and rowdy little kids.

  As I was working a standard 10:30-5 shift on Saturday I was blessed beyond belief by a young man. All day I had been quite anxious and had a lot on my mind-one of those days where you just want to get out of your own head-anyways so I'm going about work a little half heartedly when two women and a young man walked in.  They sat down at a booth and I went over to wait on them.  One of the women shared with me that she and her son were here visiting from Vancouver BC. The boy was probably about 20 years old and had some sort of mental disorder. He talked a little bit slow and couldn't quite look me in the eyes. He was so adorable. I took their order and continued about my work, making milkshakes and handing out burgers. I stopped for a second to breathe and looked around the restaurant. All of a sudden, something caught my eye. The young man I had just waited on was outside by himself. He was leaning against the window and staring out at the road.  He was leaning, watching the cars go bye.  As I observed this scene, my eyes lifted and glanced at his facial expression-the biggest of all grins.  There he was, fully content to be outside, on a nice day, watching the cars go by on the rough country roads...

     What if we all took the time to just step back, go outside, and watch the cars go by? So blessed by such a sweet young man on a summer afternoon...

   Now, it's dinner time with Jenna Hope and Miss Emily! Bagel bites and salad yum.....